ComEnts

Writing, eh? I co-wrote and helped put on a panto whilst a tax/work/soap dodging student called "Reservoir Dwarves" which was basically a fairly adult/student take on the traditional panto. We wrote it (me and my mate Mark Crisp) starting from the following joke:

The Seven Dwarves were sitting around the kitchen table one Christmas, kicking their heels and working their way through the mulled wine when Doc's mobile phone rings:

Doc: "Yeah? Really? At the castle? All of us? Suh-weet! See you there! *hangs up* - right lads, it appears as though we've all been invited to a private night they are holding in the castle dungeons tonight. They've got some cool DJ's playing, and my mate reckons the place will be heaving with totty and recreational pharmaceuticals [Ed's note - just say no, kids]."

Happy: "Totty and recreational pharmaceuticals? You mean high ho's?"

Doc: "That's right! High ho's!"

*All Dwarves break into spirited rendition of "High Ho"*

And the whole panto pretty much continued in that vein, loads of contemporary film references cro-barred into the basic premise for "Snow White" (we tried to stay away from narcotic references in as far as we could help ourselves, we wanted it to be funny without gratuity…).

"How come I'm Mr. Dopey? Why can’t I be Mr. Grumpy?.. That's easy for you to say, you have a cool name, wanna swap, etc.?"

We had a band playing (I may - or may not - have played guitar…) all the songs we wrote into the script, like Evil Queen Evil (Evil Knievel? Oh well, please yourselves..) sang "Sweet Transvestite" from the Rocky Horror Show as his/her entrance, and we changed the words to fit the story, etc. I still have the script actually, would be awesome to put it on next year but would be a nightmare to sort out all the copyrights on the songs we used - unless we changed all the music slightly to avoid issues, etc.. Might have to look into it, perhaps even get around to finishing my other panto script, "Lock, Stock and One Smoking Lamp", which is more of the same but insert "Guy Ritchie" for "Quentin Tarantino".

"Where are we going to buy a second-hand oil lamp?"
"I know some magical folk that deal in junk like that. Pixies."
"Pixies? Oh you bast*rd! I f***in' hate Pixies!"

Et cetera.
Endless mileage, it's like shooting gags in a barrel.

I'm not sure if I mentioned it on the blog or not but a friend and I had an idea. We'd write a sit-com based around the local music scene. It was a great idea. Aspects of some of you reading this would probably have been incorporated in the show somewhere. It was all very funny... to us at least.

Seems Channel 4 beat us too it ('cause it was a really original idea and has never been done before... er anyway). Their two part drama The Last Chancers started last night. It starred and was co-written by Adam from the excellent Adam and Joe show. Highlights of the Adam and Joe show include the time they went into a shop with the sign "breakages must be payed for" and started trying to break stuff to the value of their budget for that weeks show. Or their cuddly toy recreations of famous films and tv shows. Ali McBear was great and I've never seen Titanic but having seen the magnificent Toytanic I know I don't need to.

Anyway, Adam and Joe show was great but some of the stuff Adam (and Joe) have done since has been distinctly dicey. It is definitely a bad idea to give them any kind of budget for their shows.

The Last Chancers was pretty bad in a lot of ways. It seemed like someones idea of what being in a band like that would be like, but by someone who hadn't been in one. Does them being [i]that[/i] bad make it funnier? Still, aside from the fact I was a bit gutted about them stealing my idea and the fact it wasn't very realistic... oh yeah, it's TV not real life. There was a great article in the Guardian about the BBC show Spooks by David Shayler a few months ago. His point dealt with the unreality of MI5, which is basically part of the Civil Service, having huge luxury offices and brand new computers and flashy TFT monitors on every desk. Right, what was I talking about? It was funny in places but had that major flaw you sometimes find with comedy dramas or sit-coms, it felt like you were watching a comedy drama not watching a real situation that happened to be very funny. The Office is probably the perfect example of a totally real comedy. You've got total suspension of disbelief. The reason it's so cringeworthy is because you totally believe in the characters and situation. You don't think "Oh, here's a comedian pretending to be a bad boss" you think "oh god please don't say that to her...". The Last Chancers felt too much like "some actors pretending to be a bad band". There were some funny moments despite that. The show was stolen by the guy playing the press photographer from the local paper who was absolutely spot on.

Ok, I have to mention Spinal Tap, I can't avoid it. That's how you do a band related comedy. So, anyway, our sitcom would have had the realism of The Office and Spinal tap but dealt with the local music scene. It would probably have won many Golden Globes and Emmys and shit. I found out from Ricky Gervais' acceptance speech for the Best Writer award at the National Comedy Awards (along with Stephen Merchant) that writers don't get paid much so maybe I got a lucky escape.

Er... part two of The Last Chancers is on tonight at ten thirty on Channel 4.

Well, despite all my best intentions I haven't done a single bit of Christmas shopping yet and there's not much time left to do it. D'oh! Still, last minute shopping isn't that bad. It's high pressure but high pressure tends to focus your concentration and speed you up to being ultra efficient! I reckon I'll get it all done and be in the pub by lunchtime on Christmas Eve. I might actually try doing some shopping in the evenings this week... if I can be arsed!

Heard the following on the radio on Tuesday as part of a Christmas related comedy clips show (slightly paraphrased, how I remember it anyway) "and my wife's magazine had a several page analysis of 'what your boyfriend was thinking when he chose your present' but nowhere did it mention the phrase 'this'll do'."

Er... anyway I remember thinking at the time how completely unfunny and unlike the way I chose presents it was! Hi to any friends and family who are reading this.

Anyway, I have a cold and feel crap, the last thing I feel like is wandering around shops in the freezing cold for hours on end. Still, at least it's followed by ten days of continuous greed, drunkeness and gluttony. Remember to think fondly of those early church leaders who decided to incorporate the spirit of those pagan midwinter celebrations into Christianity as you quaff mead and ale. Oh, by the way, if you want to celebrate Yule properly the midwinter solstice is on Wednesday. Interestingly the Roman's called their pre-Christian midwinter celebration the "Birthday of the Unconquered Sun". Which comes from the idea that it's the shortest day but the Sun is not defeated but will return. Which does have some parallel's with the Christian idea I suppose, and not just in the Sun god/son of god pun. Although the pun doesn't work in Latin. Oh well!

Anyway, hope you all manage to avoid the religious crap so you can concentrate on the real meaning of Christmas - eating and drinking until you can't move and falling asleep in front of a film you've seen 1000 times before.

This blog probably won't get updated much over Christmas (no change there then) because I'll be too drunk/stuffed to move. Mind you if you are checking this blog over Christmas then... well, I'm sorry!

Sorry for the appalling joke in the title of this post. In my defence it's AK's joke, I stole it.

During the summer I was walking past Modern Music in the Butts - yeah, they changed it's name to Broad St Mall about 20 years ago but we know what it's really called - and saw an Elecric Mandolin in the window. It was about £130 and I almost bought it immediately, I was pretty hungover. In the end I was too hungover and feeling very poor and decided not to.

Then, around September time I was at my parents house and I spied something strange in one of the rooms... it looked like... a Mandolin! An old, fairly decrepit Mandolin that was missing a few strings - those that were still there looked like they were as old as the instrument - but a Mandolin none the less. Turns out my little brother had picked it up for next to nothing in Winchester at some point. It was about that time that we were preparing for the last Sonic Undermind gig and I had this crazy idea that I should learn to play it, or Pete should learn to play it, quickly so that we could use it at the gig. I was going to Oxford that day anyway and whilst there I picked up some Mandolin strings and a Mandolin scale book for about a tenner. Pete was pretty happy with his present and restrung the Mandolin at once. We didn't get round to using it with SU - not enough time to practice.

I guess it's been at the back of my mind ever since. Yesterday something on the Left Side Brain messageboard brought it back to me again and I did a load of research on the net. It seems it's pretty hard to find places that sell cheap electro-acoustic mandolins in Britain. I should probably go to Modern Music and see if they still have one but I can't do that from the comfort of my desk, plus I don't really like Modern Music very much. In the meantime, as I hardly have enough time to do my Christmas shopping let alone go Mandolin shopping, I have sent the very helpful chaps at Guitar Heaven an e-mail asking if they can help. We shall see.

My research did reveal that Godin make Mandolins, and it sounds like they are excellent. Ever since I played my current guitar, some minutes before buying it, I have fallen slightly in love with Godin and it'd be nice if I could get one of them but I think five or six hundred pounds is far too much for a novelty!

Anyway, in the meantime I'm going to be at the parents' for Christmas to I can learn to play Pete's Mandolin.

Speaking of Godin, which I did earlier. I've been looking for stuff about my Guitar on the web. It seems it's pretty loved! Owner reviews at Ultimate Guitar and Harmony Central are pretty complimentary. Ah well, it makes me happy too.

Well, Christmas is upon us - only 11 days left before I can officially start using my new amplifier (although rigorous pre-use road-testing and practice runs have been performed of late…) - sweet. I'm looking forward to relaxing and catching up with friends and family that I haven't seen for too long as well as indulging in the usual orgy of food and drink. Suffice to say that I will be letting myself go this Christmas. However, I'm going to be doing my bit for Christmas too, as a woman at work distributed this little gem last week:
Instead of sending each other Christmas Cards why don't you spend some of your money on making a child happy this Christmas.

Every year at the Broad Street Mall in Reading they have a Christmas Tree - The Giving Tree. This tree has tags on it, each tag representing a gift idea for a child (who lives in/around Reading) and isn't likely to receive any presents this Christmas. The tags give the age of the child, a gift idea and maybe a few other details. These children will be having a bleak Christmas but by buying a present you can help them have a brighter time. So come on and be generous; the present will only cost a few pounds. A few of the local charities involved are:

Parent & Child Together
Berkshire Woman Aid
Royal Berkshire Hospital
Make A Wish.

I have organised this for *internal dept.* for the last two years and it has been a huge success. This is an opportunity to dip into your pockets and make a child smile on Christmas Day.
If you want to buy a gift for the Giving Tree Appeal this is what you need to do….

Go to one of the representatives (usually to be found by the tree) and collect a tag.
Buy the present.
Attach the tag securely.
Give it one to of the representatives UNWRAPPED by Friday 17 Dec

I hope the word can be spread, and that loads of people will be able to find £10 or whatever they can spare to make Christmas just a little bit more Christmassy for all concerned. For those of you who consider themselves too selfish to do this, just think of the karma points you can rack up by taking part! You'd be a fool not to increase your own levels of positivity and chi by putting aside some of your festive turps fund to sort a child out with a some seasonal love!

Müf have been slyly introducing skank sections into some of our tracks, and I'm becoming more and more tempted to cover some famous metal tunes inna Dub stylee - rassssclut - to continue in Reading's long and illustrious tradition of comedy pub bands (see Rebus, Cooper Temple Clause, etc.)* Kind of like a metal version of Dread Zeppelin.

Search and Seize Jah - Nuclear Assault
Fabulous, This Rasta - Exodus
Into the Lungs of Haille - Megadeth

* A joke comment, not joke bands.

We certainly do have our first gig lined up - as I've lost my voice at the minute, I hope to feck I get it back by the weekend so we can have our monster 4-hour rehearsal session and get everytin' ship shape an' shine, ya knaa?

Mikey, I think your dream means that we are destined to play at Reading festival (just after Ash) but it will be a long, hard road to get there, with many a winding turn that will lead us to who knows where… Or maybe you just ate some bad cheese before you went to bed?

"We Could Be Friends" by Müf (2004)

Under the moonlight you look so appealing
I can see it written in the cards that you've been dealing
A penny for your thoughts, are they the same as mine?
Let's seize this moment, we may not get a better time.

We could just pass like ships in the night
Pausing momentarily to hold each other tight
Or we could sail away to see the seven seas
But first let’s try to bring each other to our knees

We could be friends (x3)
But we're going to be lovers

Uncommon beauty, aloof and nonchalant
You've told me with your eyes exactly what you want
What sort of gentleman would turn away your plea?
And so I think you'd better come with me.

We could be friends (x3)
But we're gonna be lovers

Last night I had a dream that I was backstage at Reading festival. It was just about time for Müf to go onstage when I realised that we didn't actually know any songs! I was pretty nervous - ok, I was shitting myself - but the rest of the band insisted it'd be ok, we could just improvise some stuff. Then we realised that I didn't have an amp and it would take too long to go and get it from home. Luckily Tim from Ash (who'd just come off stage) said I could borrow his. *phew* So, anyway, if anyone has any idea what that was all about please let me know.

Oh and Müf's first gig is confirmed for the 20th of January at Colorz in Reading. We had a great songwriting rehearsal last night and now reckon we have the basis of a set's worth of material but it's not all 100% finished yet.

I was at the World AIDS day charity gig at the uni on Tuesday night (I do a lot of work for charridee but hate talking about it...) to watch Pete and the Pirates and I happened to mention to some people that Müf wanted to start gigging in January. To which the slightly delayed response was "When in January?" To cut a long story short I think we might have got ourselves a gig! Woo hoo! Have been sworn temporarily to secrecy by the promoter until it's all finalised but needless to say you'll get all the details when everything's confirmed.

Now this might seem a bit premature bearing in mind we've probably only got just over half the material we need finished at the moment but no-one in the band has any doubt we'll be ready. Great thing about the guys in Müf is that we've all been gigging a lot (and the other three are all really talented) so from the start we've been very tight and the ideas have been flowing like bullshit at a political convention. It's great to have a target date to work towards. I'm very, very excited.

The World AIDS Day gig was great, the first few hours of the night was an open mic night involving loads of very varied acts from around the university. As with all these events the standard was extremely varied but the crowd was very supportive of all the acts. It was a really big crowd too.

Pete and the Pirates went on sometime after 11, by which time the crowd had thinned a bit. It was a bizarre set by them, they played an extended set which included a couple of really long (and really good) instrumental breaks in the middle of their songs. Lead guitarist Dave broke string after string (4 in total) which led to him and Pete swapping guitars when a song really needed a certain string that was broken on another guitar. I have since lent on a long term basis Pete my first ever guitar so that he has a backup... Anyway, I think the ability to change some of your guitar parts so that you play the notes on the strings you have left available is quite a talent. Dave's guitar technique, which seems to be based on the principle that in certain parts of songs it doesn't matter what notes you hit as long as you hit them hard enough, is probably one of the ones that's influenced me most out of the local scene. Whilst the other three keep the tune going Dave's got free reign to play whatever he wants. Sometimes he sticks to the tune, sometimes he doesn't and it sounds utterly discordant and out of time but somehow he gets away with it - for me anyway, I'm sure some people would just say he was just rubbish and ruining the songs. I think they'd have missed the point.

Anyway it wasn't the best that Pete and the Pirates have played their songs, far from it, but it was an excellent example of just getting up and playing your music as you wanted to play it. They exuded the feeling of "we don't care if you like this or not, we love it". When Jonny lost his drumstick and it went flying across the stage he just got up, walked across the stage to pick it up, walked back and joined back in drumming.

I don't know what to make of Pete and the Pirates sometimes, at their best they are one of the best local bands at their worst they are still one of the coolest in their attitude. Their set on Tuesday was a bit of both.

Oh, also in attendance were Morning Runner, I think the second time I saw Pete and the Pirates play was at the College Arms with Morning Runner, great gig that was. I talked to singer Matt a bit, it seems like things are getting very exciting for them. Did everyone see them on the front page of G2 the other day? It's online here.

The new Mad Capsule Markets album arrived today, it's fantastic. A magnificent Japanese metal-techno-punk-60s pop fusion.

Man, what a quality rant my last post is! I hope people take it in the Al Murray/Basil Faulty style that it was written in - wouldn’t want anyone to think I was a raging Anglophile or anything drastic like that.
Looks like Müf are laying plans for our first gig.. Think we may have to get a special license from the council in order to meet local authority requirements for industrial-scale rock generation and distribution, we don’t want the same scenario as in Ghostbusters when the suits had to shut down the containment unit. With the amount of rock we are aiming for, we could cause a lot of damage - just imagine everyone within a square mile suddenly being compelled to throw their hands in the air, make fists or devil horns ("the goat") - not ideal if you are driving, operating heavy equipment or drinking a hot beverage.